Between Freedom and Fatigue

After a week of deep connection with a group of tantric empowerment and sexuality coaches, I’ve been reflecting on what it means to live outside the script. This is a personal story about freedom, uncertainty, and stepping into a new decade of life, with equal parts inspiration, fatigue, and trust in the path ahead.

I got back from the VITA reunion in Sweden on Monday evening. It’s Friday now, and I’ve been slowly integrating.

This year there were just thirteen of us – thirteen empowerment coaches, female sexuality coaches, and tantric coaches from Sweden, Finland, the UK, Austria, France, Russia, Turkey, the Czech Republic, and Australia. A small, intimate group where connection happened quickly – on the level of words and also in that unspoken, energetic way that doesn’t need words. The energy was strong the whole week. It felt like we were already sisters the moment we met.

We had four workshops every day. Deep, beautiful, sometimes very intense. In the middle of the week, we had a spa day to integrate. I led my Embodying the Goddess workshop, with meditation, movement, and a body love practice. It felt amazing and received very warm feedback that I’ll share later. I also did a sauna ritual with vihtas and spells, like last year.

The flow of the week was perfect, and all the workshops built on and complemented each other in an exquisite way – from energetic sexual jade egg practices in the mornings, to Goddess workshops, sensual rituals, hypnosis, attachment work, pussy gazing, and finally a sex magic ritual on the last day.

It was a week of joy, beauty, and deep connection.

And yet, underneath it all, there was something else present for me. Not quite sadness – something harder to name.

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Freedom and Fatigue

One of the women gave me a ride to the train station. She’s turning 50 and said menopause and age hit her harder than she expected. She asked if I feel tired too.

I didn’t answer deeply at the time, but yes – I do.

I’m still creating, dreaming and building. But the starting points are heavier now.

And yet, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing. Even with no guarantees, no clear map, it all feels right and essential. I’m deeply inspired by the young women I meet who are already so empowered. In a way, I feel like I’m only now stepping fully into my own power.

I sometimes imagine selling everything and moving to Costa Rica, Portugal, Sri Lanka, or Bali… or maybe Spain, where I lived as a child. Somewhere warm – perhaps even spending time in a few different places before settling. Or perhaps an ashram in India. It’s tempting. The truth is, I imagine this all the time. I even thought it might happen this year, but since the construction plans around my home got delayed, I can’t sell right now and need to stay here a few more years.

So for now, I’m focusing on creating a solid foundation for this new career. Otherwise, I might risk returning later without a home, community, or a way to make a living anywhere in the world. And I don’t want that. What I want is the freedom to live and work globally, open to wherever life, love, and belonging may eventually root me. Be it Finland, or somewhere else in the world.

So here I am, with a lot of freedom and a lot of uncertainty – living outside the script, somewhere between privilege and insecurity, between freedom and fatigue.

❤️ Laura

Turning 60

Next year I’ll turn 60. Well, I'm still 58 until the end of December, but in the back of my mind I’ve already started adjusting to the idea of a new decade – the same way I did when I was approaching 50 and 40.

I was the oldest at the reunion. These days, that happens more and more, and it's quite an identity shift. I’ve carried a girl-like sense of myself for decades, and now suddenly I’m stepping into being an older woman. Being surrounded by younger women doing this work brings a tenderness – and yes, sometimes a sadness – about not having done all this 20–30 years earlier.

There was a lot of birthday talk during the week. Some are turning 50, and it feels like a big milestone. One of us had a birthday during the retreat – 37, maybe 38. And I found myself quietly thinking, I’ll be 60. Wow… it’s kind of hard to grasp.

When I speak about it, the younger women are kind and always say, “But you look so young.” And I know I do. But it’s not about that. This is about something deeper – a shift in identity, a quiet awareness of how short life is, and how the stages keep moving whether we are ready or not.

Outside the Script

In my everyday life, many of my friends are thinking about retirement. One just retired this week at 57, with a successful career behind her, financial security, property, a partner... Others have steady jobs, safe homes, predictable pensions.

I’m in a different place.

At 58, I’m once again starting from zero in many ways – building a new career from scratch, in a completely new field. I don’t have a partner. I’m living in a house that was supposed to be torn down next summer, but the project’s been delayed for three years. At this stage, I’d rather have the money and go – but instead, I need to stay and take care of a mortgage that doesn’t wait for inspiration.

It’s not the first time I’ve started over. I’ve rebuilt my life several times in work, relationships, and location. I’ve lived in five countries on three continents, moved 25 times (on a fast count), and built three – almost four – companies. Like many of us, I’ve been through pregnancies, miscarriages, childbirth, separations, cancer, and single parenting.

All that being said, I’m actually not really at square one 😂. With all my life experience, I’m miles ahead of that. But without financial security – and realizing that after 25 years of entrepreneurship, I don’t qualify for much of the social safety net – it can still feel precarious.

I value the freedom it gives me – the privilege of living outside the structures, of not being tied to the script of how life “should” go. There’s freedom in knowing it’s all an illusion anyway. But there’s also insecurity. I don’t yet have income from coaching, and while I still do a little graphic design work, it’s only enough to cover some business expenses. For the rest, I’m living on a bank loan. And yes – sometimes I feel the weight of that insecurity in a way I didn’t when I was younger.